Sunday, April 22, 2012

Why am I not screaming mad...........

A much better day. What a glorious day in Colorado Springs; sun shining, birds singing, lawn mowers purring, people out hiking. This is the kind of day that would fill Ryan with pure joy. I can only imagine he would have been out climbing and signing on this stunning day, gathering anyone who would want to go with him...... But he is having days like this every day as he walks beside Jesus. He is blessed. And this is why I cannot be screaming mad.  Why would I NOT want day after day of pure joy for my son.  To wish him back here on this fallen land would be simply selfish.  And yet, my heart cannot help but be selfish when I look at my own story; the story of missing a son.
I sat on my back patio today (my happy place)  swinging on my swing, enjoying the blooming trees, listening to the birds, and looking into the beautiful blue sky with its dappling of clouds.  I have had many conversations with Ryan on that patio. Just four weeks ago he and I sat out there alone, talking about his giftings and how God might want to use them.  He told me that day he was thankful for a mom like me who cared so deeply but gave him space to be who he was meant to be.  I will forever be thankful for being given the opportunity of parenting this boy whom I loved fiercely, but learned early on to place in God's capable hands.  If I hadn't learned that lessen back then, the place I find myself in now would be so much more painful.
I finished reading today, "A Grief Observed", by C.S. Lewis.  Once again a statement he made caught my attention.  "If any house has collapsed at one blow, that is because it was a house of cards."  I'm so grateful that we are finding our house was not made of a house of cards but rather on a firm foundation of God's promises.  Suffering has a way of identifying one's foundation.  I'm praying that whoever is reading this blog is taking stock of their foundation so that when it is tested, it stands firm.
"These words I speak to you are not incidental additions to your life, homeowner improvements to your standard of living. They are foundational words, words to build a life on. If you work these words into your life, you are like a smart carpenter who built his house on solid rock. Rain poured down, the river flooded, a tornado hit—but nothing moved that house. It was fixed to the rock.
 But if you just use my words in Bible studies and don't work them into your life, you are like a stupid carpenter who built his house on the sandy beach. When a storm rolled in and the waves came up, it collapsed like a house of cards." Matthew 7:24-27 (The Message)

Ryan was ready and excited to be with Jesus.  He said it often.  He spent his days gathering up others to join him some day and encouraged others to live with that excitement.  The other day I was on my back porch with my Dad and I had this overwhelming sense that Ryan wasn't really gone, just on his final mission trip.  He would be there eternally.  He is there continuing to gather up souls to join him by impacting lives, even in his death.  So this is why I cannot be screaming mad. 


  1. Dear Gail,
    I am praising God for the grace He is lavishly pouring into you every moment. And, I thank Him for demonstrating the surpassing power that belongs to Him and not to us as you share your walk with us. It is incorruptible treasure in a jar of clay which has been perfectly and lovingly fashioned by Him for His glory and purposes.
    You, Tom, Luke and your family are in my prayers.

  2. One of your blog entries was shared in my bible study. We live in Hawaii so know that your story, or the Lords, has traveled well. I am moved by the strength that the Lord has provided and that you have faithfully accepted. Thank you for your worship and your transparency.

    I have a blog that is mostly nonsense but one non the less that I keep for our geographically scattered family to keep up with us and our young children. I would like to include your blog link as one of my favorites on my site if that is ok with you.

    My family is praying for yours. You have your heart in the hands of the only one who is big enough to carry it.

    Laura & the Higgs family

    1. Thank you for your kind words. Creating a link would be fine!

  3. I have three grown sons. This blog is making me re-evaluate my relationship with each of them based on my foundation (which is Jesus). I'm asking God to help me put first things first. Thank you for your transparency.