It is an up and down journey. Will probably be for a while. The reality now sinking in as the fog of the "event" of Ryan's death is lifting we seem to be able to feel more. I've never been one to really live on the fringe of my feelings so this is a new journey for me. I am amazed at how strong I can feel one moment and then in an instant I can be brought down to tears and sadness. I've never been on a roller coaster ride like this before. I've never liked roller coasters. But this is where I find myself and I am determined to learn all I can through it.A verse that I've often quoted and clung to about circumstances in life and what I'm able to handle is:
I Corinthians 10:1 No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.
This verse has given me the faith that God will not give me more than I can handle. In my new state of really understanding and being aware of God's promises I see this verse differently. This verse talks about temptation (or testing). It doesn't promise us He won't give us more than we can handle. In fact, I'm thinking God gives us more than we can handle often. This is what keeps us in need of Him and relying on the Holy Spirit's strength. The temptation comes in how I will respond to the circumstances around me; rely on my own strength, or rely on God's presence. I've never needed God's strength and guidance more. If I walk through this journey thinking "God thinks I can handle this so I will", then I'm not relying on His power, but my own.
Don't get me wrong. In the times when my tears overcome me I don't see that as giving into weakness, but rather allowing the Lord to comfort me in my sorrow. Pretending the pain isn't there isn't what God is calling us to. But rather, allowing Him to be our comfort and strength during those times.
So I step in to today recognizing this situation is too big for me. It is more than I can handle on my own. I am purposing to walk through the valleys and the highs in the power of His strength, recognizing my grave weakness.
My hope is in the LORD who will renew my strength. I will soar on wings like eagles; I will run and not grow weary, I will walk and not be faint.
Isaiah 40:31
I have read all your posts, and I have been so blessed by what you share. God is certainly giving you great insight and wisdom---thank you for sharing what you are learning. Your posts are amazing--to God be the glory!
ReplyDeleteOur dear friends' son died last year, so talking about a roller coaster ride sounds so familiar from their experience. Grieving is a process, and it can't be rushed, but God is so faithful and He will continue to give you and your family the strength, the comfort, the grace for each day. Will continue praying for all of you.
Two years ago when my 23 year old cousin died from cancer our neighbor, Sandy Pelletier was in the same hospital a few doors away dying of liver failure. My cousin was put into a chemical coma because of the amount of pain he was in. The doctors hoped to get things under control and then bring him back out of the coma but that never happened and my Aunt and Uncle were put in the awful position of unplugging their son and saying goodbye to him while he was still deep in a coma. Sandy passed away 2 days before my cousin did, she was fully awake and was able to say goodbye to her son T.J. and her husband. She had been slipping in and out of sleep all day but the last three times she woke she said, Happy birthday to Mike, then that she loved them both so much and the last time she woke she took a big awe struck breath, looked up to the sky and said, "Oh It's so beautiful!" She passed away after that. It was a story later that gave my Aunt some comfort because she was not able to hear any last words from her son. God is amazing to give us what we need when we need it...You continue to bless us Gail and I am praying you continue to be blessed, strengthened and held. We love you all.
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