Friday, April 20, 2012

And so it begins.........

Ah, today was kind of a hard one.  Perhaps it was exhaustion from yesterday's events, perhaps it is just part of the process or realizing, it is real.  My baby is gone.  

Now that the events following Ryan's death are over, the company is gone and we have gone back to work and school, we are stepping into each moment wondering if this is what "normal" feels like.   If this is normal than it is filled with moments that catch me off guard.  I'm feeling good and strong and then out of nowhere my mind is filled with a picture of Ryan in his casket, or Ryan just off the mountain, or Ryan walking through the door or standing next to me doing worship.  Tonight my dad and I went to see Mirror, Mirror.  There was a line in the movie that made me think how Ryan would have made a woman joke about that.  A vise gripped my chest and I immediately started tearing up. Is this what it is going to be like?  Probably.  Loss is real and it is o.k. to miss something that meant so much.  I'm learning that it will become about what I do with that loss. 

Today on the way home from work I was stuck in traffic and all of a sudden, in the quiet of the car I just started tearing up.  The quiet is what gets me.  It allows the thoughts to crowd in and the visions of the past to fill my mind.  Then, "Whatever You're Doing" by Sanctus Real came on and the chorus really spoke to me: 

"Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly."

By Jodi Shen Lewis
Keep me as the apple of your eye;
hide me in the shadow of your wings  Psalm 17:8

This IS something bigger than me and I must keep my eye on the bigger story.  I'm asking God to cover me in the shadow of His wings and guide me down this journey of grief.  If I step outside His covering, that is when grief could so easily consume me.  In Jesus, I purpose to not let that be the case but to stay under the shadow of His wings.


  1. Thank you for being real Gail...My aunt who lost her 23 year old son 2 years ago is also reading your blog. I was thinking about the lyrics to a Christian song that said, "She is strong enough to stand in my Love" You may feel weak and broken but are strong enough to stand in His love.
    love you so much! thanks again for sharing all this with us.

  2. Gail..You don't know me, i live in another state and heard of your blog from a friend..
    Your words touch me deeply. I was surprised to find tears flowing after years of forgetting how.
    You have found a way to carry the lamp of wisdom and courage and compassion through such a difficult time. I believe God led me to your blog. How often on sleepless nights the last few months I've prayed to be shown how to carry such sorrow. My son has been seriously ill for several years and it will be Gods will if he recovers.
    Thank you for letting us all walk with you.
    My heart goes out to you and your family. You are in my prayers and over the many many miles I am a stranger who is reaching out to hold your hand.

  3. Gail, I am a cousin of Danna's. I have lost both my parents. My dad 24 years ago and my mom 17 years ago. If I see a person who walks like my dad did I can still tear up. If I see something that reminds me of my mom I can cry and sob. These things use to happen more frequently than they do now but I believe they will always happen here and there.
    My heart goes you. You are showing such love and honor to your Lord with your faith in Him and trusting Him to get you through this. You are an amazing person. I am hoping that by reading your blog I can learn how to trust God and put my faith in Him more. Continue to do what you are doing. It will always hurt because it hurts when we loose someone we love. You are such a strong woman whom I believe God is very proud of.

  4. Dear Gail,
    Just a thought. I know you didn't want all these thanks, praise, etc. personally and want to point others to our Lord Jesus, but I wanted to say that I think you are doing just that! SO many "commentors" mention that they are growing in their faith, inspired by your words, wanting to seek more of God, etc. due to reading this blog. HE is being glorified and honored by you, and you are His precious creation. Therefore, I believe He is smiling and proud of you and your transparent, honest words from a mother's heart. They bring healing, encouragement and the challenge to press into Him more, or even just seek Him and His truth in His Word to MANY (there are probably 10 readers who don't comment for every one who does). You wanted to know the purpose in Ryan's death; God wanted to continue to use Ryan's life through you! Rather good days or not so great, I thank you for letting Him use you and hope to encourage you that our Father, our Lord Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit are all glorified via this blog! ~Lisa

  5. Gail....I am a friend of MIki's. You and your family have been in our thoughts a prayers. We cannot imagine the sadness that must fill your soul. Your son sounded like an amazing young man!