Amazing! We made it through our first day and second night without our first born.
I won't lie. I'm exhausted, numb, constantly on the verge of tears. But as I sit alone on the couch this morning, in the wee hours of the morning looking through pictures of my son, this picture stopped me in my tracks. Look at our eyes. Really look at our eyes.
Ryan's eyes are heavenward and mine are looking straight forward. This was Ryan's heart his entire life, heavenward. I am a realistic mom. I know his actions did not always match up to where his heart was (life's constant battle for each of us). But deep down no matter what shenanigans he was up to, his heart was for the Lord. I never had a single doubt about that. This is what has allowed me to move forward in life without fear and trembling of what might happen to this live it large and out of the box son. This is why I was able to be the mom of a son who lived on the edge. Because I knew his heart was for the Lord and I believed strongly that God would use his life in a big way. I didn't know what that would look like...but I am beginning to have a glimpse.
I have had so many wonderful texts and Face Book postings and phone calls and messages and cards and words of comfort in the last 48 hrs. I can't tell you how much that has meant to me and the family. The common statement has been, "We are praying for you". Yesterday, about midway through, I began to answer with, "If you are praying, please pray that Ryan's death is worth it. Pray that whatever God purposed from it will come to be.....otherwise it will have been a waste."
I've always preached strongly in my belief in Romans 8:28, "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good for those who love God, to those who are called according to HIS purpose." Well the rubber has met the road. I am being called out on this verse. Do I really believe that any good can come from my son's death? What could possibly be worth my son leaving this earth?
When I prayed with Luke last night before bed we prayed that God would show us glimpses of why this had to be. A person doesn't always see why things happen, but we are specifically asking for that gift. We committed to taking one step at a time and walk forward through our pain in obedience with the hope that Ryan's life and now death will have the meaning and purpose God designed.
This blog is part of those obedience steps. I am going to journal my findings. I'm going to move forward. Perhaps you will come along for the ride with me and see why this son, brother, nephew, grandson, friend, mentor, acquaintance, stranger left this world at the early age of 20.
Galations 5:5 "But we, who live by the Spirit eagerly wait to receive by faith the righteousness God has promised us."