Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Anesthetized

Awake again.  Did I sleep?  I am going to ask for extra prayer today for my mind, body and soul.  I will need this to continue on as I am called to do.  I honestly feel like I am being anesthetized for the final days.  How else will I be able to make it through?  You know how the anesthesiologist starts counting backwards....that is what I feel is happening.  We are counting doing, 10, 9, 8.....on 1 my baby will be buried and it will feel as though the celebration will be over and he will be gone forever.  I am fearing this day more than the day he died.

Yesterday we actually had quite a bit of laughter as my sisters accused me of being drunk (I have had no alcohol).  I am just drunk with pain.  My lovely, dear sisters and husband just continue to walk with me through my psychitzophrenic tendencies.  I can seem calm and stoic and quickly move into deep grieving pain and tears and then fall into laughter.  This pendulum of emotion is a ride I've never taken before.  But I am allowing the pendulum to take place as I know it is part of the process.  Ryan would want me to ride it fully.

I am not taking calls for I never know where the pendulum will fall at any given moment.  Texts are wonderful.  I love reading your heart and your love.  I would also ask the you give my family and I some space before the wake and funeral. I have a ton of family coming in and they will all need to process, as we are and have been.  I am looking forward to see you all and meeting some of you for the first time at the wake and funeral.

Thank you my friends. I know this post may have been hard to read, but you have decided to journey with me and this is where I am today.

12 comments:

  1. Gail,I don't know what to say.This loss for you and your hubby is so deap.I am so sorry that you are going through this pain.I pray that God will use this terrible pain in your heart,to bring a new appreciation of how awesome God is and how precious our sweet children are,for those of us who need to be reminded.I lift you up,may Grace abound.Many hugs and sweet smiles.Gourete.

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  2. Love you guys.....

    Revelation 21:

    1 ¶ Now I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away. Also there was no more sea.
    2 Then I, John, saw the holy city, New Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband.
    3 And I heard a loud voice from heaven saying, "Behold, the tabernacle of God is with men, and He will dwell with them, and they shall be His people. God Himself will be with them and be their God.
    4 "And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away."
    5 Then He who sat on the throne said, "Behold, I make all things new." And He said to me, "Write, for these words are true and faithful."

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  3. I read a bible verse today that instantly reminded me of Ryan.
    "Imitate God, therefore, in everything you do, because you are his dear children. Live a life filled with LOVE, following the example of Christ." -Ephesians 5:1-2

    I pray for peace and guidance as God leads you through the storm; I can already envision Ryan with his bright smile looking down from Heaven. "Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." -Joshua 1:9

    You and your family are in my prayers continually!
    Lindsay

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  4. I'm a friend of Heidi and Lee and was so very saddened to learn of your son's death through Heidi's FB post. My mother's heart is aching for you. We are close friends of 2 familys that have buried their children (one age 12, another 28) so we have shared in this kind of grief close up. Both of them and their families are believers, so there was joy amidst the sorrow. It's good for you to be honest about what you're going through. Even tho you know your son is with Jesus, there is deep grief in being separated from him now. I've been praying for you, and will continue--- especially on Thursday, that God will fill all of you with strength and the peace only He can give, and that you will be very aware of His presence. He is faithful and He is with you each step of this journey. So very thankful for the hope we have in Christ, and someday we will be with Him, and our loved ones, forever! Paulette

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  5. There aren't words to ease this pain...I am on staff at Woodmen and heard you speak at the chapel that was dedicated to Grafted Vines, however two of my kids know Ryan and Luke. Josh is also 20 and graduated from Rampart and knows Ryan. He is good friends with Tyler Shonts who I know are your neighbors. Kara is a sophomore at Rampart and knows Luke. As I read through your blogs...I find myself just sobbing...I feel your pain and can't imagine what it must feel like to loose a child. I am also sobbing as I have already seen God shine through in your pain. I know that the amazing God we serve will bring good out of this! As in the post above...Joshua 1:9 is a perfect verse...I will be praying this over you continually...I pray the you will feel God's peace in amazing ways and that you will feel His presence with every step you take.

    Cindy Peete

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  6. Gail--our hearts are shocked, stunned and praying with and for you, we will be following along here and in our prayers--Jay & Tammy

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  7. Gail, My heart sobbed with you when you wrote you feared more the day Ryan would be buried than the day he died. I feel I'm on the pendulum swing with you... for when I read Blog#2 and you called Ryan your Huckleberry Finn, I chuckled. Ryan was a big influence on Amy going to YWAM New Zealand/Thailand. Yes, Ryan had "the ability to get people to do things they never thought they would do or wanted to do". God bless him! Love and hugs to you, Tom and Luke

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    1. Just want to say we're are here...We love you!

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  8. Gail... Do you remember when you called me in Ca and I came over and found you crying while crawling with the gift of head lice you got from your son(s)... and I sat there picking them out one by one? Seems like yesterday!

    You told me one of the wisest things that I ever heard back then. Something like, "Strong friendship comes after lots of shared experiences and memories built together... the good and the bad... it simply takes time." I never thought that anything like this would be woven into our tapestry of strong friendship... but here we are and I am here for you in whatever way, shape or form you need me to be.

    Honestly, I am so disoriented by this loss of my precious Ryan, that I am barely functioning. I keep hollering, "This isn't how it was supposed to go!"

    But as you know, I am processing through my art, as I often do... and look forward to sharing what God has been telling me with you and the multitudes of lives that Ryan has touched.

    You and the family have my heart, Gail... we'll see you tomorrow.

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  10. Tear filled eyes, heavy heart, and prayers for you and the family. I am in awe of God's faithfulness. I hear Him through your words. I love how you are not missing Him moving even in the midst of great pain and loss. He is in control of all things. I know you know and believe this. Now you are living it. May God continue to shore you up. May you feel His arms around you holding you close. May He give you peaceful and comforting dreams. May He give you rest. Next time we sing Blessed Be the Name I will think of Ryan and the whole family. Keep writing. Keep praying. Keep crying and keep laughing. Above all else, keep close to our Jesus. I love you and I am praying for you, my friend. -Laura Mooney, Citrus Heights, CA

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