Awake again. Did I sleep? I am going to ask for extra prayer today for my mind, body and soul. I will need this to continue on as I am called to do. I honestly feel like I am being anesthetized for the final days. How else will I be able to make it through? You know how the anesthesiologist starts counting backwards....that is what I feel is happening. We are counting doing, 10, 9, 8.....on 1 my baby will be buried and it will feel as though the celebration will be over and he will be gone forever. I am fearing this day more than the day he died.
Yesterday we actually had quite a bit of laughter as my sisters accused me of being drunk (I have had no alcohol). I am just drunk with pain. My lovely, dear sisters and husband just continue to walk with me through my psychitzophrenic tendencies. I can seem calm and stoic and quickly move into deep grieving pain and tears and then fall into laughter. This pendulum of emotion is a ride I've never taken before. But I am allowing the pendulum to take place as I know it is part of the process. Ryan would want me to ride it fully.
I am not taking calls for I never know where the pendulum will fall at any given moment. Texts are wonderful. I love reading your heart and your love. I would also ask the you give my family and I some space before the wake and funeral. I have a ton of family coming in and they will all need to process, as we are and have been. I am looking forward to see you all and meeting some of you for the first time at the wake and funeral.
Thank you my friends. I know this post may have been hard to read, but you have decided to journey with me and this is where I am today.