Monday, April 23, 2012

Looking for Ryan..........

I had such a beautiful weekend.  Alone for the first time in a while.  Tom and the boys went to the WVC Men's retreat and Amanda was at a friends.  Sandy (our dog) and I had many quiet moments together just sitting and reflecting.  Sunday morning Sandy and I went for a walk. For the first time since Ryan's death I felt I was seeing the world around me.  For the last two weeks all I have been able to see is what is right in front of me.  I'm not fond of living like that but recognize it is part of this journey, so I will cut myself some slack.  I feel as though I am coming out of a fog and now have the ability to look around and "see". 

Sandy and I were sauntering through the park and I started having this conversation with God.  "So Lord, how does this work?  Will Ryan try to whisper in my ear through a puff of wind?  Will I see him in the mountains or the trees?  Is that him soaring above me?"  I've never been here before so I don't know how it works to have someone die and want to be able to just feel a "touch" from them one more time.  As we were walking there was a huge bird circling above and just in front of us.  It kept circling and circling.  I thought, well, maybe I should sit on this bench and see what happens.  I sat down, not taking my eyes of the bird and........ the bird took off.  I hope you can feel me smiling through these words.  I thought it was kind of funny.  I smiled up into the cloudless sky and felt the Lord say to me, "Precious child....don't look for Ryan, look for Me.  Only I can give you the rest and comfort you are looking for." 

28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

I finished my walk seeing the beauty before me, not looking for Ryan, but looking and finding God's comfort and peace. When I got home the Lord had a special gift for me.  I decided to clean up my room that had become a dumping ground for all Ryan's things in the last two weeks.  As I was moving things around I found Ryan's journal that he often took notes in during church and when doing his own reading.  I decided to take it out on my patio and read through it.   I was feeling strong enough.  What a blessing.  I found Ryan.  He was right in the pages of his journal.  As I was reading through his writings I realized something amazing.  The things he had written so passionately about in his journal were the things that I have been writing about in my blogs.  I got the chills as it dawned on me that Ryan is a part of me and we are in sink about the things of the Lord. I don't need to go looking for him, I will always have him with me in my heart and in my passions. 


  1. Gail, how is it that you can give so much comfort through all this? I know it is God -- it always is -- He is always there with us and for us and through us. But I marvel just the same.

    Praise be to His name; His comfort will never stop coming as long as we need it. He will never stop talking to us as long as we listen. God's heart and passion are absolutely coursing through you and nourishing the Body of Christ through your blog ministry.

    Thank You, Father. Thank You, Jesus. Thank you, Gail.

  2. Praise God, he is all we need! His grace is sufficient! Thank you for sharing!

  3. Gail, Thank you for sharing. You're words are so inspiring and so true.

  4. Dear Sweet Gail,

    I'm so moved by your blogs! I have had an unexplained sadness in my heart and have been encouraged by your amazing faith and clinging to the only ONE who can meet our every need. Looking to men and stuff to feel loved isn't the answer, but a clinging to and abiding in our heavenly Father is the only way. Thank you for reminding me of that basic truth again.

    I'm feeling so sad for you that you lost your son to death. I haven't seen you since you were a precious young girl, but remember that you "spread everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of Christ." II Cor,. 2:14 It sounds as if Ryan felt that way about his Mommy.

    I have taken comfort when trials come in the verse from II Cor. 1:3--"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God..." God is and will use this worst of any trial a mother can suffer to glorify Him through you. Keep those sweet eyes fixed on HIM!

    Sandy (Royster) Winter

  5. WHEW! crying again...GOD is so good! Thank you and I pray you continue to be blessed and held!

  6. Gail,
    Thank you for sharing such a moving experience so that we all can grow through your faith. I have small children, and often would touch their hearts as they headed off to school and say, "if you miss me, I will always be right here in your heart." I had never contemplated the beauty of the reverse until today. Peace be with you.

    1. That is how I feel, thank you for putting words in my mouth. My kids are not so small but I have that same thought