Monday, April 23, 2012
Looking for Ryan..........
I had such a beautiful weekend. Alone for the first time in a while. Tom and the boys went to the WVC Men's retreat and Amanda was at a friends. Sandy (our dog) and I had many quiet moments together just sitting and reflecting. Sunday morning Sandy and I went for a walk. For the first time since Ryan's death I felt I was seeing the world around me. For the last two weeks all I have been able to see is what is right in front of me. I'm not fond of living like that but recognize it is part of this journey, so I will cut myself some slack. I feel as though I am coming out of a fog and now have the ability to look around and "see".
Sandy and I were sauntering through the park and I started having this conversation with God. "So Lord, how does this work? Will Ryan try to whisper in my ear through a puff of wind? Will I see him in the mountains or the trees? Is that him soaring above me?" I've never been here before so I don't know how it works to have someone die and want to be able to just feel a "touch" from them one more time. As we were walking there was a huge bird circling above and just in front of us. It kept circling and circling. I thought, well, maybe I should sit on this bench and see what happens. I sat down, not taking my eyes of the bird and........ the bird took off. I hope you can feel me smiling through these words. I thought it was kind of funny. I smiled up into the cloudless sky and felt the Lord say to me, "Precious child....don't look for Ryan, look for Me. Only I can give you the rest and comfort you are looking for."
28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30
I finished my walk seeing the beauty before me, not looking for Ryan, but looking and finding God's comfort and peace. When I got home the Lord had a special gift for me. I decided to clean up my room that had become a dumping ground for all Ryan's things in the last two weeks. As I was moving things around I found Ryan's journal that he often took notes in during church and when doing his own reading. I decided to take it out on my patio and read through it. I was feeling strong enough. What a blessing. I found Ryan. He was right in the pages of his journal. As I was reading through his writings I realized something amazing. The things he had written so passionately about in his journal were the things that I have been writing about in my blogs. I got the chills as it dawned on me that Ryan is a part of me and we are in sink about the things of the Lord. I don't need to go looking for him, I will always have him with me in my heart and in my passions.