Living with reality..............

Three weeks since Ryan died.  Yesterday I was sitting at the counter eating lunch with Luke, and Ryan's Bible was sitting there.  Luke has taken it as his.  I love that.  I opened it up and there was a piece of paper in it.  I am not sure if it is Ryan's handwriting or someone elses but it had a number of paragraphs on it with the names of the various people Ryan was in Thailand with and under the name was a brief paragraph.  My eyes went right to the paragraph with Ryan's name above it and this is what it said:


Ryan
God is preparing you to be a warrior but a warrior needs armor.  Don't take your armor off.  Constantly be putting your armor on. Ephesians 6:10-20, Josh 1:9.


Does this sound familiar?  This is exactly what I wrote about on my blog yesterday morning.  I read this in the afternoon.  Yes, I got the chills and my eyes teared up as I felt God affirming me that Ryan and I are linked.  His passions are my passions and I am speaking what Ryan would be speaking if he were still alive.


I usually go to bed and think, "I probably won't write my blog tomorrow as I don't have a thing to say."  But then I wake up or go through part of the day and thoughts just come and I cannot help but put them down.  This morning I woke at about 3:30 a.m. with tears in the corners of my eyes.  I don't remember dreaming, they were just there.  My mind went right to the the thought that our family is probably at that stage of grief where facing reality is a daily occurrence.  Yesterday was filled with realities.  Thank goodness I felt the strength of God's spirit in me as I faced and battled these realities:

• Ryan is really gone. We are without our brother and son to walk side by side with. This reality will hit us over and over again.
• Reality that our house is in a place of grieving and each one of our journeys of grief is going to look different and need different moments of compassion and patience, understanding and maybe even forgiveness.
• Reality that while our home has generally been an outward focused home we need to allow ourselves an inward focus for a while.  Our focus has to be on how to create a safe place to work through our grief, eliminating unnecessary stresses.
• Reality that on days when no one in our home feels up for the battle, we must rely on family and friends.  We are so grateful we have them to count on.
• Reality that we will now walk with a heightened sense of the importance of not squandering relationships and opportunities and wasting the precious time we have right now.  Ryan lived fully and with a spirit of joy.......and yet he is gone.  Others live lazily and with no purpose and in friction and anger and un-forgiveness with those around them....and yet they are still here. What a waste of life.  Oh that we would understand the gift of "life"!

These are some of the realities that hit just yesterday.  Seems like a lot.  Yet, I felt God's hand in mine as I came upon each one.  My sandals of peace and shield of faith and sword of God's Word came in very handy.

Yesterday someone asked me if I felt I would live with a "muted joy" from here on out.  I told them I'm not planning on it.  Another paragraph on Ryan's sheet was this:

Team

Dancing, laughing, joy will be your strength.  This will be how you get through the hard times.  Psalm 4:7, Isaiah 55:12

Psalm 4:7

Fill my heart with joy when their grain and new wine abound.

Isaiah 55:12

 You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills
will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands. 

I am not bursting with joy and song and clapping my hands right now....but this is His promise...so I know it will come.  His promises to me have never returned void.