Well friends....not as good of rest tonight as last night. My eyes popped open much earlier than yesterday, my mind instantly alert. The word "compelled" is crowding my mind this morning as I sit on my bathroom floor, leaning against the bathtub. I sit here because there is nowhere else to go with my crowded thoughts. My house is filled with people "compelled" to come and celebrate Ryan's life. This is a wonderful and glorious problem to have. So I do not mind the space I find myself in on this 2nd morning after my beautiful Ryan's death.
Those big eyes looking at you from your computer are those of my son who always compelled others to live life large, without restraint and with passion. From day one, at 9 lbs, 15 oz to the day he died at 6'1 he had the ability to light up a room and make you know he was there. We always called him Huckleberry Finn because he had the ability to get people to do things they never thought they would or wanted to do. And his spirit was similar as well, not mean or manipulative....just carefree and fun, with a little bit of stinker and a twinkle in his eyes as he loved to push the limits. He continually kicked down the walls of conformity and ask the hard questions of, "Why"? As a mom who grew up in a pretty solid box, being his mom was challenging and freeing all at the same time.
So now we find ourselves figuring out how to celebrate this unique child's life. What would Ryan want us to do?
Today, or I guess yesterday, we spent the day determining how to bury our baby. Yes, that is a brutal sentence to write. But it is where we find ourselves and have no other choice but to take a step and move forward and do the things required of us. As we sat at the funeral home being asked whether we wanted a plastic or cement vault to put the casket in and what kind of casket would we like and at the graveyard picking just the right plot I just want to yell, "THIS IS STUPID!!!" The words did actually come out of my mouth...I just didn't yell them. My wonderful husband made the hard choices and I just walked numbly next to him. I just kept asking myself, "Why do we have to do this? He is already with Jesus." But as Ryan learned over and over, there are many things we have to do regardless of reason, just because we live in this society. I know Ryan sees that wherever possible Mom and Dad have tried to kick out the walls of conformity when planning his life and death celebration and make sure all of our decisions in this regard have meaning. That is what he was about, making life have meaning. And that is why others were compelled to him.
In Ryan's death, people are still compelled by him. He has friends coming in from all over. I have been amazed at the friends who were supposed to leave, but are staying. Friends who were gone, but coming. I keep getting calls from friends and family saying, "We just have to be there." This blesses my heart so greatly and I receive more glimpses of the impact of his life, and his death. As you know, I've been asking God for these. In truth, they haven't been really that hard to find. Just spend a little time on my Face Book and you can see for yourself. Or, go to the FB group RIP Ryan Thomas Wahl and you will see pictures and read posts that reflect a life of one who compelled others to live life large, ask "Why?", live with passion and allow your life to have meaning.
Ryan thought a life without Christ and without a touch of uniqueness, was a waste. He didn't believe that walking in God's spirit should look "normal". It should be unique and fresh and ALIVE! So in his death, what greater gift it would be than to know that others are living a more unique, fresh and active life in Christ. Let's let Ryan's death compel us to dance through life, not mourn. I know he is dancing already. He is dancing this dance for us right now.