Thursday, May 3, 2012

I'm being fine tuned..................

It has been a couple days since I have had a chance to write down my thoughts.  I've been at the CAFO Convention in Orange County, CA.  I miss my family but it has been good to have a change of environment to give me an opportunity to focus on something different.  Try as I may, the events of the last 4 weeks seem to find me wherever I go.  Sorrow, continually trying to call me back.

It has been gray and cloudy .  The weather kind of fits with the murkiness of my life right now.  My intention was to come to CA and find sun and warmth and instead it has been cloudy and cool.  I purpose to find strength in the day and yet the sadness of Ryan's absence still finds me.  But, both of these failed attempts are o.k.  Even with gray clouds overhead and a chill in the air and the sadness that grips my heart I am able to experience moments of laughter with friends and joy in my life passion of helping kids in crisis.   I wonder at the ability to "feel" so many different emotions all at once.  This is new for me. I feel as if God is fine tuning me.  Yesterday in my "Jesus Calling" devotional it said, "You are learning to appreciate tough times, because they amplify your awareness of My Presence." Boy is that true. Those words just JUMPED off the page at me.

I have such a keen sense of God's presence in my life.  I was thinking the other day about whether I would alter things if I could.  If I would have known I would only have Ryan for 20 short years would I still want to go through this pain?  Without hesitation I can say, YES!  Ryan gave us so much laughter and fun, but most of all, Ryan is the reason I have such a solid faith.  Because of how God wired Ryan I had to learn years ago to put my kids in God's hands and entrust Him with "The Bigger Story".  I feel so blessed to have been chosen to be Ryan's mom 20 years ago.  His life and death have brought me to a place of surrender to the Lord and trust in the outcome.  Yes, there will be sadness....but that sadness is wrapped in God's peace and comfort.

So as we move into the 4th week without our son, "My response is to get down on my knees before the Father, this magnificent Father who parcels out all heaven and earth. I ask him to strengthen me by his Spirit—not a brute strength but a glorious inner strength—that Christ will live in me as I open the door and invite him in. And I ask him that with both feet planted firmly on love, I'll be able to take in the extravagant dimensions of Christ's love. Reach out and experience the breadth! Test its length! Plumb the depths! Rise to the heights! Live a full life, full in the fullness of God.

God can do anything, I know—far more than I could ever imagine or guess or request in my wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing me around but by working within me, his Spirit deeply and gently within me." Ephesians 3:14-19

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