Tuesday, May 29, 2012

All things beautiful in His time.............

I'm learning that just because I have purposed to handle grief in the strength of the Lord, doesn't mean I'm going to get through it any faster.  I'm a purpose driven person and thrive on getting things DONE!   I size up a situation and figure out the quickest and best way to get to the end and then do it.  The very annoying thing about grief is....I don't think you are ever at a point of being "done".  I know I'll never be done missing my son.  But honestly, what I want to be done with is the crying.  For a non-cryer, seven weeks of uncontrollable moments of tearing up seem like a life time. It's exhausting, it's annoying and I just want to be done. So how does someone like me get through this?  The only answer I have is to dig even deeper and cling even tighter to the only one who can walk me through this very long journey.

Tonight I had to dig a little deeper when I had to clean up Ryan's bedroom and make it ready for my sweet niece Libby and her friend to come live with us this summer.  Yes, it was hard to do this job but we are so excited about their visit.  Their presence will fill some of the void this summer from the absence of Ryan. Nothing will replace him, but I can see how God is taking measures to "...make all things beautiful, in His time....Ecclesiastes 3:11.

There was something about summer that put Ryan in full gear and he was always leading one adventure after another.  Last summer he and his friends painted the words to "Oh How He Loves" all over his bedroom walls.

For those that knew Ryan you might have spent some time down in his room.  On his walls he had painted and written songs, quotes and thoughts.  I laid on the bed tonight reading those words.  I was simply amazed how they represented who he was and how he lived.  Let me share some of those:

"If your action inspires others 2 dream more, learn more, do more and be more....then you are a leader"

"There is more than life after death, there is life before death"

"I am a Jesus Freak!"

"An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth leads the whole world blind and in need of dentures!"

"Oh how He loves me."

"Love like a hurricane."

"In the times of trial remember, you are not alone...."

"Home is where the heart is.......I guess I haven't found my heart" (This written when he got back from New Zealand)


good morning
school food 
plastic silverware
bad luck
old news
bankrupt millionaires
military intelligence
peacekeeping missiles
just wars
smart books
friendly fire

"God is in the whispers."

"B ur self"

And much more.........

Five years ago when Ryan first wrote on his wall I think he expected we would tell him to stop and we would paint over it.  We saw that perhaps his wall would reflect his heart and this would be a good window into what was going on in his life.  It was exactly that.  During high school his walls were filled with bits of Jesus and words of frustration. When he got home from New Zealand his walls were filled with songs of worship. Tonight I told my husband I will hate the day when we have to paint over these walls. 

Each one of our kids has had the freedom to paint or write on their walls.  Amanda's room is full of color and words that speak her heart.  Luke's room has words and pictures he and his friends wrote.  I love it; a window into their hearts.

Maybe I should start writing on my walls........no, I think I'll stick to my blog.

One of Ryan's walls

Click on link above to see the other treat I found tonight


  1. Watched the song and all I can is WOW!!! You have such a talented son. I say "have" because he is always with you. Your crying will get less with time but I know that is no consolation to you right now. I remember the first time after my mom's death that I didn't cry on her birthday. I think it was somewhere around the 10th or 11th year after she died. But crying is the best thing for you. It helps you get through the grief process which you need to do. I am so amazed at your strength. I have been learning so much from you through your blog. I see your son through you and see that are an amazing mother who raised her children up in the way of the Lord. Wish I could have done even half as good of a job with my son. The writing on the wall is such a cool idea. Maybe you should never paint over them. If you ever have to, take pictures and videos of the whole room first so you always have those memories of Ryan. Your faith in the Lord inspires me and I am sure many others.

  2. Sure have enjoyed getting to know you and your son through your blog. thanks for sharing....I have grown...and have shared most of what God has spoken to my heart with people in my circles....the ever widening circle of the effect of a life well lived.....and a good God glorified.

  3. Thanks..... I know what you mean about the crying part. You make me cry every time I read your blog. I can only imagine what it is like for you. I love that Ryan wrote all over his walls. What a great idea! It is truly a window into your children's souls. What a blessing. I keep looking for this cheap flights to pop up. I am going to come when God tells me it's time. But until then I am here, a phone call or text away. DOn't know if you want any of that.

    Oh and the crying thing - remember, joy comes in the morning. I think that might mean paradise though. Hang in there sweetie. Jesus know exactly how you feel and he wept for us too.

  4. AWESOME SONG!! What a treasure.