Monday, May 7, 2012

I want to be done with this.....but.......

 Last week Steven Curtis Chapman closed out the CAFO convention on Friday night.  I love his singing but I was so wiped out from four days of worship twice a day that I could hardly enjoy him.  I left after a few songs.  Worship simply wipes me out as the words carry such great impact in my life since Ryan's death.  But during the songs that I stayed for I couldn't help but look at him with jealousy that it has been four years since his young daughter was killed in an auto accident.  I wanted to be where he was....beyond the shock, beyond the excruciating pain, beyond the first mother's day, birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc.  I know his family still grieves her, but they are beyond that gripping sorrow.  They have seen the strength that has come and they are living in true joy, not just promised joy.  I wish I could rush this grief garbage, but I know I can't.  

I know the impending Mother's day this coming weekend is what is causing me to just want to be done.  I've been racking my brain trying to figure out how to get through it without the pain I know will come.  I still have beautiful children to celebrate with and I am so grateful for them and love them deeply.   But I know that the loss of my first born, my flesh, my son that I celebrated 20 years with, will bring unavoidable pain and tears.  My tears are already falling.  Every time I read that sentence they fall harder. This is my reality, this is my truth.

Even though this pain is my reality and some days it is about the practice of just "getting through".... I know that His promises are true and I will be on the other side of this grief in God's timing.  His promises are what is caring me through.  

..for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deut. 31:6b

The eternal God is thy refuge, and underneath are the everlasting armsDeut. 33:27a

I [God] have heard thy prayer, I have seen thy tears: behold, I will heal thee. 2 Kings 20:5b

The LORD is righteous in all his ways and loving towards all he has made.  The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth.He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves themPsa.145:17-19

He [God] heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds.Psa.147:3

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.Psa. 46:1

To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven: a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance.”

Ecclesiastes 3:1,4

Yes, I want to be done.....but, I am trusting God for His timing because I have complete faith that if I do this then I will come out of this pain stronger and with a deeper sense of joy that only God could put in my heart.  And, I do this because if I do not grab everything out of this that God wants for me, then it will not have been worth the pain of Ryan's death and his death will have been in vain.  I want Ryan dancing in heaven next to Jesus as he watches his mom draw nearer to God through her pain. 

Oh, that no one would waste this opportunity my son's death has brought as it has brought the reality of Christ into our lives, front and center.


  1. Ah sweet thing - I too weep every time I read your words of truth and honesty. I have to confess I have not been reading daily cause it's just too hard for me, but after reading your words I feel selfish. Why should you be the one to share weep, and I get to choose to do so or not. NO - I share in your pain and weep every time I read you blog. That is a good thing. Your words have drawn me closer to my Lord, and have also touched Janice as she walks her journey. I love you so much, all of you, and wish I could be there Now. I know that this year will be tough, but you are right in saying you will be stronger if you allow the grief to take it's course. Love you tons sweetie.

    1. I totally understand Elisabeth....I don't want to read or write it either. But it seems to help me process and I keep hearing how it is helping others. So....I will write and let it fall on those that need it. I love you friend and could use a dose of you today.

  2. Gail, I will be praying for you about Mother's Day as it approaches. God moves mountains; soon this one will be behind you. I hope it will be an unexpectedly beautiful, healing day.

  3. Still here, still praying. Your words are powerful and true, they make me feel the brokenness and the incredible salvation of our God; and they inspire me to walk closer with Him. We will be praying for a special gift from God this Mother's Day!