Saturday, May 12, 2012

Has my life turned upside down?.........

My dear friend, Shen,
 capturing my heart, once again.

Five weeks seems like just yesterday Ryan died, yet so much has happened in five weeks, how could it only be five weeks?  I'm tempted to type that my life has been turned upside down in the last five weeks.....but has it really?

Yes, my beautiful son is no longer living on this earth.  But I haven't "lost" him, which is common terminology for when someone dies.  I know exactly where he is, with his Savior. And, I know he is happier than any other time in his life.  Yes, we have a hole in our hearts and in our lives that will always be there because of his absence.  We will probably tear up easily the rest of our lives when thinking of Ryan.  Those tears will be a spackling of sorrow and joy.  Yes, this is the hardest journey I have ever been on.  Yes, I've never cried so much in my life.  But I have to wonder at whether those tears mean my life has been turned upside down?  I think I can honestly say, "No!"  Please hang on as I explain.

I can say, "No", my life hasn't been turned upside down because the security in my life did not hinge on Ryan.  Oh my, did he fill my life with joy and love and things only Ryan could fill it with. And I will miss those things forever!  But over the years when I have sung the worship song, "My heart will other name....Jesus,  Jesus,"  I haven't been putting Ryan in the blank.  I have not been singing, "My heart will sing, no other name, Ryan, Ryan."  It is so easy to fill in those blanks with people, things, jobs, marriages, hopes, dreams, accomplishments, etc.  But when we have Jesus in those blanks and the circumstances of our life become excruciating, our life does not have to turn upside down! I've always thought I believed this and now that I have walked through these dark shadows, I still believe it.

I've always known that my moment by moment choices will be what impact the outcome of my life.  All those years ago when I gave my life to Jesus, it was a choice, every day since then it has been a choice to leave my life in His hands.  Not every moment has been a successful release of my life to Him, but overall, I've had an unshakable TRUST in releasing it all to Him.  As I walk through this grieving process there are times when my feeling of pain has overshadowed my feeling of God's presence in my life.  But it has been at those times that I have chosen to claim His promises to override what I don't feel and what I don't see.  I do not doubt that this is why at five weeks, on Mother's Day weekend I am not curled up in a ball on my bed, drowning in my tears.  Tears will come, but they will not override God's presence in my life and they will not turn my life upside  down. I am amazed at God's goodness and faithfulness to me as I CHOOSE TO TRUST HIM DAILY!

As I was driving home from work yesterday the song, "Whatever You Are Doing", by Sanctus Real came on.  This is my cry for me, my family, others grieving and those who want more from their walk with Christ.  I know so many in a tug of war of control with Jesus.  Yet, is he really tugging? I see Him standing with open, loving arms, waiting for us to give up all ends of our rope.  We are so often tugging with ourselves.

It's time for healing, time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong

There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
And it's hard to surrender to what I can't see
But I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone, time to begin again
Re-evaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will,
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills?

So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything, I surrender to...

Time to face up, clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life, something heavenly

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life, something heavenly
Something heavenly

Ryan has achieved the HEAVENLY.
Now I look to God for what He wants to do in me in the "aftermath",
 that is bigger than me.


  1. God is doing great things inside of you...through the sadness, through the pain...through the questioning...through the emptiness...HE is bigger... and HE will sustain you!!!! Praying for you! Love - Lisa