The
phrase, "Gail, what do you see?" has been floating in my head for
weeks now. I titled this blog about 6 weeks ago and it has been sitting
in my future blogs folder with no content. But God has been continually
putting the phrase in front of me through scripture, sermons, conversations and
many of my personal thoughts. So today I am going to sit and think about
"What do I see?"
In Jeremiah 1:11 God is asking Jeremiah, "What do you see?"
C. H. Spurgeon states
that, “Before you can make
an impression upon another person’s heart, you must have an impression made upon your own soul. You must be able
to say, concerning the Truth of God, “I see it,” before you can speak it
so that your hearers shall also see it. Jeremiah 1:11,12
I have seen
so much in the last four months since Ryan went to live with Jesus. I have been
given new lenses to see life with an entirely different perspective. My perspective has been washed with a mixture
of pain and beauty. If I ask myself right now, “What is the biggest impression
God has made on my heart through this journey?” I would have to say that I see
my life as a tapestry that began at my birth and will end with Eternity. The end of my journey wasn’t being married or
having kids or owning a home or finding a great job, and it wasn’t even when
something tragic happened in my life…..the end will be Eternity. My focus must be Eternity.
Ryan was a strong
and bold strand that ran through my tapestry for 20 years. He created
some pretty incredible patterns and at times I wanted to tie him off to keep
his strand from going off in the wrong direction. But God knew. He
knew where Ryan's strand needed to weave and what kind of pattern he was to
make. As I was thinking through this whole idea of my life being a
tapestry my original thoughts were that Ryan’s strand has ended in my
tapestry. But that is not true at
all. It is still very present as his
life and death is still having a ripple effect.
I imagine that will fade throughout the years, but there are many
strands coming off of his strand from the lives he impacted in life and death. These
strands will always be connected to Ryan's strand but will begin to form their
own patterns with perhaps the whisper of Ryan’s strand weaved beside them. I
find this line of thinking so freeing and comforting; a tapestry full of experiences and people that never truly end because the
weaved whisper of experiences and people will always be a part of who we are
and make up this very moment.
I wonder
how many moments I have impacted by being in other people’s tapestries. It
is important to me that “I see” so that as my soul is impacted, I can make an
impression upon other people’s hearts and become a valuable, not damaging,
strand in their masterpiece. Doing this will also bring other strands
into my own tapestry making it strong and beautiful, vibrant with color.
My tapestry,
as of now, consists of some pretty beautiful patterns that were created from both
pain and joy. I receive each strand,
pattern and color as a part of God’s master plan for my life; the plan that
leads me to Eternity as I recognize God as the master weaver in my life.
I was told
that Ryan’s last words were, “I am at peace.” That might be hard to read, but it warms my
heart. Ryan’s tapestry was filled with
strong and weak strands created from many moments of sorrow and joy. But in the end, because he chose Jesus as his
weaver, he entered into Eternity with a peace and a smile. Oh that we would all see God as or weaver and truly
trust Him with our tapestry, even when it is hard.
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Gail, Thanks for these comments. It is comforting to think about how our boy's tapestry has been woven into others' lives and also challenging to ponder how we are weaving into other people's lives. Thanks for continuing to write Brian
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