Friday, August 24, 2012

How can I explain it?

How can I explain it?  It has only been 20 weeks on this grief journey and yet what I have experienced this week has had stirrings of my life before; before I experienced the greatest pain of my life.  How can that be?  Shouldn't I be walking or laying or curled up with a heavy, debilitating sorrow?  People would certainly understand and show me grace if I was.  Honestly, I'm amazed every day that I am not.  My pain and sorrow has certainly been great enough for that outcome and I definitely miss my son and long to have him next to me.  But I have received a different outcome.

This week I recognized my old life when I found myself working out at the YMCA with my family after dinner, when I sat at the computer and played Bejeweled as if there wasn't a care in the world, when I invited a guest over and actually prepared the meal and didn't have it brought to me.  These are all glimpses of my old life and they have come with a welcome relief.  But again, I ask myself, "Why me?"  Why am I experiencing a healing of my soul and peace amongst the storm of grief and joy in the sorrow so quickly?  Some might think it is because I'm not working through the grief or moving on too fast, or talking myself into something that isn't real, OR perhaps I'm putting on a show. 

A growing symphony
I’ve never been down this grief road before so I don’t know where I should or shouldn’t be on the road.  I only know where I am right now and what it feels like in this moment.  In this moment, I feel restoration on the horizon.   Does that mean I’m done crying?  No.  Does that mean I’m done missing Ryan? No.  Does that mean I’m done longing for more time with Ryan?  No.  Does that mean I won’t have those moments of uncontrollable sorrow?  No.  What it means is that I’m beginning to be able to allow the pain to be a part of who I am without allowing it to thwart what I can become through Jesus.   Sorrow and Joy are learning to play along side each other creating an entirely new symphony within me.

            God is a God of restoration.  There is no point along this journey at which He will not restore us.  I have believed that and claimed that from day one of my journey.  His Word has been a healing balm to my wounds and His love has sutured my broken heart.  There is no other explanation for the current outcome of my sorrow.  The only part I play in my healing is choosing to allow Him to be the healer.  This will be a daily choice the rest of my life.

O LORD my God, 
I called to you for help and you healed me.  

1 comment: