It was just a simple question, “Did his wipers not work?” My husband was cleaning out the garage and found a new wiper pump and wondered if Ryan had purchased it. As I pondered the question the reality hit me with a vengeance; I could not call, text or Skype Ryan to get the answer to this question. My heart broke and I had that sense of urgency one feels when you have the flu and must get to the porcelain throne as soon as possible. I had to escape to the patio and expel the tears that were rushing out. I had no control over the moment other than to flee. These moments simply come out of nowhere. I’m feeling strong, my heart is happy and then BAMB, the grief takes over and I just have to let it run its course.
I have begun to liken my grief to a terminal disease that I have little control over, it came out of nowhere, and will only end upon my death. That is such a dark statement and yet it is reality for so many. So how do I take that sentence steeped in darkness and bring it to light? I do that by running to God’s Word and claiming and believing what He promises. This is a practice that I choose. What is my alternative? Darkness is the alternative and I want no part of that.
One of our precious young friends went to college this week and left us with a passage of scripture he thought would encourage us; Isaiah 43. I read it this morning and now I am CLAIMING it this afternoon. The entire chapter is powerful but I have plucked out a few passages that I am clinging to.
“Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine.
When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.
For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
I am the Lord, who opened a way through the waters, making a dry path through the sea.
I called forth the mighty army of Egypt with all its chariots and horses. I drew them beneath the waves, and they drowned, their lives snuffed out like a smoldering candlewick.
“But forget all that— it is nothing compared to what I am going to do.
For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.
The wild animals in the fields will thank me, the jackals and owls, too, for giving them water in the desert. Yes, I will make rivers in the dry wasteland so my chosen people can be refreshed.
This people I have made for myself; they shall declare my praise
I am choosing to declare my praise in this moment. This is a moment by moment journey but in this moment I choose to dance in the rain.
Now I can move on.
Now I can move on.