Saturday, August 18, 2012

It was just a simple question..........

It was just a simple question, “Did his wipers not work?”  My husband was cleaning out the garage and found a new wiper pump and wondered if Ryan had purchased it.  As I pondered the question the reality hit me with a vengeance; I could not call, text or Skype Ryan to get the answer to this question.  My heart broke and I had that sense of urgency one feels when you have the flu and must get to the porcelain throne as soon as possible.  I had to escape to the patio and expel the tears that were rushing out.  I had no control over the moment other than to flee.  These moments simply come out of nowhere.  I’m feeling strong, my heart is happy and then BAMB, the grief takes over and I just have to let it run its course.   

I have begun to liken my grief to a terminal disease that I have little control over, it came out of nowhere, and will only end upon my death.  That is such a dark statement and yet it is reality for so many.  So how do I take that sentence steeped in darkness and bring it to light?  I do that by running to God’s Word and claiming and believing what He promises.  This is a practice that I choose. What is my alternative?  Darkness is the alternative and I want no part of that.

One of our precious young friends went to college this week and left us with a passage of scripture he thought would encourage us; Isaiah 43.  I read it this morning and now I am CLAIMING it this afternoon. The entire chapter is powerful but I have plucked out a few passages that I am clinging to.

“Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you.
 I have called you by name; you are mine.
When you go through deep waters, I will be with you.
When you go through rivers of difficulty,
you will not drown.
When you walk through the fire of oppression,
you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.
For I am the Lord, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
I am the Lord, who opened a way through the waters,
making a dry path through the sea.
I called forth the mighty army of Egypt
with all its chariots and horses.
I drew them beneath the waves, and they drowned, their lives snuffed out like a smoldering candlewick.
“But forget all that— it is nothing compared to what I am going to do.
For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?
I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.
The wild animals in the fields will thank me, the jackals and owls, too,
for giving them water in the desert.
Yes, I will make rivers in the dry wasteland
so my chosen people can be refreshed.
This people I have made for myself; they shall declare my praise

I am choosing to declare my praise in this moment.  This is a moment by moment journey but in this moment  I choose to dance in the rain.  

Now I can move on.


  1. Great analagy!!! There is so much we can't control...good thing we can trust in HIM! Take care!


    1. Lisa I know you share this journey with me in so many ways. You too have made that choice to trust Him with it all since that is the better option....even in the struggles. Love you sis.

  2. Gail, I am a friend of Miki's and have been reading your blog since you lost Ryan. I am now going through a loss so deep I sometimes don't know how I am making it through the days. I just lost my mom on August 11th, to sepsis from a perforated bowel. I am stuck in a cocoon of protection, finding it so hard to believe that she is gone. Your blog is so comforting to me right now, and I thank you so much for sharing your journey. I am sure it is helping more people than you will ever know.

    Mary Houghton Harris

    1. Mary, I am sorry for the loss of your mom. Pain is hard no matter where it comes from. It is a journey no one plans. I've tried to not be afraid of the pain and claim God's strength through it. The only way I know to journey down this road. Praying for you friend.