The days move on and so does life. The world continues to spin on its’ axis and its’ people scurry around with the importance of their day. I am going on week 19 of my grief journey and while my head seems fairly cleared of the cobwebs that come in the initial stages of sorrow and trauma, my emotions linger in a state of unpredictability; constantly pulling me back and slowing my pace.
The scenes before me move my emotions from one state to another. Moving out of the shock stage and into a state of “normal” forces us to see what that new normal is. Even though life with Ryan was never normal, we must now consider how we walk through life without Ryan as a physical option. It appears this stage of grief might lend itself to more spontaneous tears as a simple action or experience can stir up a thought of Ryan that grips my heart and cause tears to begin to push themselves to the surface. Luke says another true sign is my nose begins to turn red. This all happens in a fraction of an uncontrollable second and in that fraction, pain comes to the surface. When I feel the left side of my chest (aka my heart) start to grip slowly sending sour emotional notes up my brain, I know I am going into areas that matter.
Time to process these things that matter must be an essential component of my life right now. I marvel at God’s wisdom of crowding our days for the first four months, knowing we needed many touches from others, and now with school starting everywhere and vacations ending, the hubbub of our lives is really settling down offering more opportunities for peace and processing. It is time to sort out those thoughts that have been rambling in my mind and allow God to truly begin to heal the wound in my heart; something I believe only He can do and WILL do.
God, listen to me shout, bend an ear to my prayer.
When I'm far from anywhere,
down to my last gasp,
I call out, "Guide me
up High Rock Mountain!"
You've always given me breathing room,
a place to get away from it all,
A lifetime pass to your safe-house,
an open invitation as your guest.
You've always taken me seriously, God,
made me welcome among those who know and love you.