Monday, July 2, 2012

Nerves like Jesus...........................

It was so good to go to church this weekend.  Our pastor, Matt Heard, came home from his sabbatical early to be with the church family as 74 families lost their homes in the Waldo Canyon Fire.  As I sat through the service listening to how our pastor processed this most recent disaster while in another country knowing his house was right in the path of the fire, I felt this confidence come over me. He talked about choosing to trust Christ even when things looked bleak. He talked about clinging to the Resurrection and the strength and truth of the cross. I thought,  "YES!  I've been processing Ryan's death the same way.....I'm not abnormal."  

Sometimes I feel so abnormal because I am not angry and I'm not an emotional heap.  I feel like that is what people are expecting from me.  Who wouldn't be mad and angry when their son was taken so young and so suddenly?  Well, I guess I wouldn't.  And I know Ryan wouldn't want me to be. Oh, I have moments that grip me and I can be sad and I weep often and I would love it to be different, but I am not wrecked.  I have so much faith in my Father who promises me a peace that surpasses all understanding (Phillipians 4:7) and a renewed strength for those that hope in Him (Isaiah 40:31).  And I believe Him when he says that  ".....His plans are to prosper me and not to harm me and to give me hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)

The pastor shared today that when he left his family behind in another country to deal with the crisis here in Colorado Springs his son prayed that his dad would have nerves like Jesus.  I LOVED that!  Imagine the nerves it took to die on the cross; to do what was best for us even though it caused himself so much pain! That is what it takes in a time of crisis.  It takes nerves to choose faith and to do the hard thing and move forward.  It seems easier to blame and get stuck on the question of "WHY?"  And yet, the outcome seems so much sadder. 

Today as we went to visit Ryan's graveside for the first time....I, once again, had to have nerves like Jesus.  I had to choose to not let it wreck me.  I had to choose to focus on the fact that Ryan wasn't really there...he had already moved on and he was in a much better place.  At the funeral we had everyone bring a rock to create a cairn at the graveside.  In the early 1800s explorers left cairns along the trail to mark where they had been for others to see the trail and let others know they had been there.  That's what I saw when I was at the graveside today. Ryan has gotten to his final destination and he beat us there (as usual).  His trail leads to Jesus; he wants others to follow his trail.

We sang one of my favorite songs this weekend in church, "You Are God Of This City."  As I sang the song I sang it for this City as well as for myself:

You're the God of this City
You're the King of these people
You're the Lord of this nation
You are

You're the Light in this darkness
You're the Hope to the hopeless
You're the Peace to the restless
You are

There is no one like our God
There is no one like our God

For greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this City
Greater thing have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this City 

Greater things are yet to come for this City and for me.  I choose to believe it with confidence.


  1. I really resonated with the phrase, "I had to choose not to let it wreck me." Life is all about choices isn't it? This morning I was reading Psalm 139 and reflecting on similar ideas you said here.

    We are praying for continual comfort, healing and JOY as you continue to celebrate Ryan's life while living this life! You are a blessing!

  2. Yes, yes, and yes! Thanks for sharing your heart and your journey!