I think it is sinking in. It has been 13 weeks since Ryan took residence in heaven. Today on the way home from work I had a huge wave of reality hit me; he is not coming back to this earth. I came home and wept. It felt so good to cry hard. I haven’t done that in a while. It feels healing to have purged the tears that have been building up. I tamp, tamp, tamp down the tears so often in order to get through the day. But now and again there is just no holding my tears and sobs in and this is O.K. because I have read that I can only heal what I can feel. If I keep myself numb the healing will take so much longer.
I’ll always grieve not having Ryan here on earth. I cannot NOT grieve. I just lost one of the most precious things in life. Even Jesus grieved, "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death.” Matthew 26:38. However, I don’t want the intensity of the grief to be here forever. I’m counting on Jesus to be the one to carry me out of my grief in His timing.
As I watch myself grieve I see that my life will never be the same. That seems obvious. But if I'm honest about the changes, I have to admit that not all of them are bad. In fact, some are really, really good. STOP! How could I, his mom, say that? I almost feel disloyal, and I cringe, in typing that sentence. But the reality is, it is true. I know my son and he would be thrilled that I was willing to say the hard things and live out the hard and unexpected. The bad and difficult changes are obvious, but here are some of the good:
- I am immensely in tune with seeing God in everything. I have asked God to help me see how it is worth the pain, and He has; I see it everywhere. I see one dot connected to another dot almost on a daily basis. His handy work is what fills me with that unexplainable joy. But I have to be looking for it.
- His Word has become real. The Bible is no longer a book of promises that I will be able to claim one day; I claim them daily and count on them for my healing and strength.
Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her!” Luke 1:45
- My peace comes from trusting God fully with the big picture. I can cry on my bed and be mad that Ryan will never walk through the door again, but once I’ve allowed those feelings to pass through I can still have peace that surpasses all understanding because I TRUST AND BELIEVE that God has my best interest. He had my best interest when he sent his Son to die an excruciating death on the cross for my sins so that I could have eternal life if I choose. I’m so grateful Ryan chose that too so I know while my time with Ryan on earth is over, I will be spending eternity with him. Eternity! Hold on Ryan, I’ll be there before you know it.
- If I remain on this earth than I have a purpose, otherwise I’d be with Ryan. Each day is a gift to live fully and completely committed to being all that God has designed me to be no matter where I am. My purpose doesn’t look like anyone else's. It certainly doesn’t look like Ryan’s. It looks like Gail Wahl’s.
Each day God unfolds His purposes as I keep my eyes lifted to Him and my heart attuned to His Spirit. I have no idea how it is going to turn out…..but I’m excited for the journey. I see many hard roads ahead, but it is doable with the Lord and it certainly is never boring.