Saturday, July 7, 2012

It is a hard road, but certainly never boring.........................

I think it is sinking in.  It has been 13 weeks since Ryan took residence in heaven.  Today on the way home from work I had a huge wave of reality hit me; he is not coming back to this earth. I came home and wept.  It felt so good to cry hard.  I haven’t done that in a while.  It feels healing to have purged the tears that have been building up.  I tamp, tamp, tamp down the tears so often in order to get through the day.  But now and again there is just no holding my tears and sobs in and this is O.K. because I have read that I can only heal what I can feel.  If I keep myself numb the healing will take so much longer. 
I’ll always grieve not having Ryan here on earth. I cannot NOT grieve. I just lost one of the most precious things in life. Even Jesus grieved, "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death.” Matthew 26:38. However, I don’t want the intensity of the grief to be here forever. I’m counting on Jesus to be the one to carry me out of my grief in His timing.
As I watch myself grieve I see that my life will never be the same. That seems obvious. But if I'm honest about the changes, I have to admit that not all of them are bad. In fact, some are really, really good. STOP! How could I, his mom, say that? I almost feel disloyal, and I cringe, in typing that sentence.  But the reality is, it is true.  I know my son and he would be thrilled that I was willing to say the hard things and live out the hard and unexpected. The bad and difficult changes are obvious, but here are some of the good:
  • I am immensely in tune with seeing God in everything. I have asked God to help me see how it is worth the pain, and He has; I see it everywhere.  I see one dot connected to another dot almost on a daily basis.  His handy work is what fills me with that unexplainable joy.  But I have to be looking for it.
  • His Word has become real. The Bible is no longer a book of promises that I will be able to claim one day; I claim them daily and count on them for my healing and strength.
Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her!” Luke 1:45
  • My peace comes from trusting God fully with the big picture.  I can cry on my bed and be mad that Ryan will never walk through the door again, but once I’ve allowed those feelings to pass through I can still have peace that surpasses all understanding because I TRUST AND BELIEVE that God has my best interest.  He had my best interest when he sent his Son to die an excruciating death on the cross for my sins so that I could have eternal life if I choose.  I’m so grateful Ryan chose that too so I know while my time with Ryan on earth is over, I will be spending eternity with him.  Eternity! Hold on Ryan, I’ll be there before you know it. 
  • If I remain on this earth than I have a purpose, otherwise I’d be with Ryan.  Each day is a gift to live fully and completely committed to being all that God has designed me to be no matter where I am. My purpose doesn’t look like anyone else's.  It certainly doesn’t look like Ryan’s.  It looks like Gail Wahl’s.
Each day God unfolds His purposes as I keep my eyes lifted to Him and my heart attuned to His Spirit. I have no idea how it is going to turn out…..but I’m excited for the journey. I see many hard roads ahead, but it is doable with the Lord and it certainly is never boring.


  1. Gail, I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face at your growing faith and trust during a time when many would, and have, turned away from God in anger and pain. I cannot imagine how every time the door opens, you expect Ryan to walk through it.

    You were with us on our trip out west as we watched climbers and I immediately thought of you...and Ryan. Ryan is at peace. You are offering peace for others through your pain. I pray that you will continue to experience the pain when it surfaces because slowly, it will make way for an unexplained and overpowering joy that only Christ can offer.

    I love you, my friend!

  2. My son went to be with Jesus over 2 years ago, and I am so thankful when the tears come, because I am glad to miss him. But the thing I am most thankful for is that I no longer want to hang on to this earth for "the next vacation" or "the next big event". I want to serve God while I'm here, but I eagerly anticipate going on to share eternity with Jesus (and my son).

  3. Gail,

    Thank you for your continued willingness to share out of your grief as it is a blessing and a wonderful challenge to me and I am sure so many others too.

    I always hesitate to write much to you because I feel painfully unsure of just what you need or what words would bring balm and not hurt. But, as I read your blog, you reminded me of Dietrich Bonhoeffer. I am currently reading the Eric Metaxas book on Bonhoeffer's life and I have been blown away by his story. He suffered so many thing from his involvements during WWII and yet the rich depth of his thoughts and interactions out of that were all the more moving because of his trials. I see how you are similar to him in the way that you are gleaning thoughts from a very deep and real place that not many reach. Not that you weren't deep before...but your suffering is giving you an even more profound understanding and experience of life. I am grieved for your grief and wish that things were different, yet I praise God that He is doing phenomenal things via that very grief.

    Please know that I am continuing to pray for you and your family.

    Jessica Naramore

  4. Gail, this is what came to mind after reading what you wrote here. The deep sorrow you feel has been felt by others through God's History Book. Maybe this will encourage your soul as I know you are walking with the same heart towards Christ. Much love and continued prayers.....Judi

  5. We grieve along side you Gail and pray for you often. There will many days of tears, but look for the rainbows after the rain. Thank you for sharing your story. Tresa