Friday, June 8, 2012

My Happy Place.........

It's Friday night and the kids are off doing their thing with their wonderful friends. I'm sitting in my "Happy Place", listening to the hum of lawn mowers, the whisper of the wind, typing my thoughts on Ryan's computer and listening to Ryan's Pandora music; not bad music son, not bad music.   My heart is happy.  How can that be after just eight weeks since my son went to be with Jesus? I think I'm feeling  this inner joy because I know Ryan is feeling this kind of joy 24/7.  He is in his "Happy Place" for eternity; what a blessed boy.

I get so much joy and peace out on my patio.  I told Libby I'm sure that the joy I will find in Heaven will include sitting on a porch swing in Heaven, chatting with Jesus.  I'll be asking Him all the hard questions I've pondered.  Of course, the first one will be, "Was there really no better way to draw others to you than bringing my son to live with you?"  I'm guessing His answer will be, "No, my daughter.  Thank you for loving him so well so that he could love others and serve me so well."  Wow!  That sentence choked me up.  I think that really WAS from the Lord. Even though I now sit here with tears brimming on the edge of my eyes I still feel God's peace.  I have this overwhelming sense that as I sit in my "Happy Place" my son is forever in his and why would I want anything else for him?  I want to be there too!  

But Ryan was in his "Happy Place" while he lived here on earth too.  His life was a "Happy Place".  That is why so many people were drawn to him. He found his joy in loving his Jesus and shinning that love on others.  That didn't mean his life was perfect; it was filled with imperfections and he would be appalled if we didn't remember that he was a flawed human in need of a Savior.  His happiness came from loving his Lord deeply and "...pressing on toward the goal to win the prize for which God had called him heavenward in Christ Jesus." Phil 3:14.  I know this is where I am finding my "Happy Place" even while walking in grief.  It isn't in the perfection around me for the there is none.  It isn't in things being "just right" in my world because things are not "just right" and never will be.  My "Happy Place" comes when I press toward my Savior and don't have to have all the answers but walk in forgiveness, grace, faith and trust.  This is the only way I can be in a "Happy Place" amongst the journey of grief.   Once again, I am choosing a life of joy rather than a life filled with anger and bitterness.

Last night Ryan's friend, Isaiah, held a gathering at our home.  The purpose was to draw closer to one another as we grieve our friend, brother, son, as well as, fill our home with love and joy this summer.  He is such a very precious friend and we are so grateful for him.  Again, God met our need before we knew we needed it.  We will be having this every Thursday during the summer.  I believe after a few meetings it will not be about our loss, but rather our gain in building relationships with one another and with our Savior.  All ages are welcome.  Last night Isaiah asked, "If God would allow us one more moment with Ryan, what do you think Ryan would want to tell us?"; what a great question.  All I could think is that he would give us all a different message because this journey we are on is such an individual journey.  For me I think he would whisper in my ear as he gave me a big hug, "You are loving Jesus well mom.  But don't forget to allow Him to just love on you!  When you do that, I'm loving on you too!"   Sheesh, more tears brimming....I think that was from the Lord too.

So my readers, I ask you.....If Ryan, whom you knew or didn't know personally, came down for one more brief moment....what would he whisper in your ear?  What do you believe God wants for you so that you too can live in your "Happy Place"?  Because I know, that is what that whisper would be about.

1 comment:

  1. Gail,
    When you were writing this, we were at Red Rocks for our 1st summer concert of Michael Franti & Spearhead. While I did not know Ryan, Michael reminded me of him... He has an infectious free spirit, joyous smile and he danced and sang through the crowd in bare feet, playing his guitar. What a happy place. I think if Ryan were to whisper to me, he would encourage me to keep reading your blog as it is continually strengthening me for my "mom of four" journey. Thank you for continuing to share your story, it loosens the tears for me too... Sarah