Freedom In Suffering........

.




Not a dolphin from my porch...they were

too far out.



This morning as I sit out on my beach front porch listening to the wave’s crash against the shore and watching the dolphins jump with glee, I am free. I opened my Bible up to James 1 this morning and my  devotion, “Streams In The Dessert”, and I was gifted with the understanding that "Suffering" has accomplished its' purpose, I am free.  I have reached that place where I can be calm and carefree, inwardly smiling at my suffering. 

 

Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.           James 1:1-4

           

I’m not smiling because Ryan is no longer with me, that will always grip my heart and easily produce tears. In fact, it just did.  But I’m smiling because of the wondrous things the Holy Spirit has done deep in my soul through my suffering.  My entire existence lies perfectly still under the hand of God; a quiet understanding of eternity has settled in my soul.  I have marveled in the last couple months how free of worry I am and how unimportant my circumstances are to my inner workings.   I have realized that the images I once had of a “perfect life” and the pursuit of foolish things are no longer.  My only choice of the day has become the purpose of God.  My emotions are weaned from people and things and I can now let circumstances be what they may be and continue to seek only God’s will.  I am now sure that “All things work together for good for those who love the Lord and are called according to His purposes.”  Romans 8:28

 

“What a blessing to lose our own strength, wisdom, plans, and desires and to be where every ounce of our being becomes like a peaceful Sea of Galilee (or Gulf of Mexico) under the omnipotent feet of Jesus! From Streams of Dessert.

 

 

I am grateful for this gift of understanding.

 

Receiving His Gifts..........

Flying above the clouds I realized I was physically as close to Ryan as I will ever be again.  Tears streaming down my cheeks, holding his Bible in my lap I couldn't help but feel the grip of sadness and yet an overwhelming sense of peace.  My baby is high in the sky, walking with Jesus.  The markings in his Bible tell me he is right where he wants to be. 

As we were waiting for take –off I opened Ryan’s well warn Bible (which has become mine) and read something he wrote in the back, “I will never walk away, I will never fear.  For His love has saved my life; that much is clear.”   I’m guessing it is from a song, but wherever he got it from, it spoke to his heart and he captured it in his most precious Bible.  Captured so his mom could read it one day when he was gone and know the peace it brought him and the peace it brings her too.  Thank you for that gift my precious Savior.

More gifts to come…. Tom and I have begun a five day “respite”.   We are staying in a white cottage by the Florida ocean shore.  We can only imagine what lies ahead; restoration, reconnection and perhaps a little more realization of where we just came from and where we might be headed.   We are stocked with books and computers and cameras and garments of relaxation.  No stress ahead.

In preperation for our trip I went to the bookstore to pick up a book to read while sitting on the beach.  I went to the Christian Living section and looked and looked for something that would draw me in.  I picked up book after book written by men and women who have had important things to say about walking the Faith Road.  Nothing drew me in.  I realized that right now, at this time, God’s Word is the only book that is really speaking to me; God’s Word and Ryan’s notes in his Bible.  I am not drawn to any other man’s thoughts.  I believe God’s Word has all that I need.  This is new for me.  I’ve never been this drawn to His Word.  I've believed it, claimed it and done my daily devotions like a good Christian.…but I have had very few times when His Word really beckoned me to dig deeper.  I am now being beckoned. I am living out the power of His promises to me.  His words are truly becoming my daily bread and my living water.  Why did it take "sorrow" to bring me to this rich place of learning?  I've missed out on so much.  I cannot change the past, but God can redeem the future. I am fully embracing the gifts He has in store for me by devouring His promises and wearing them like clothing and taking them in as nourishment for my soul.

Keep this Book of the Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything in it.  Then you will be prosperous and successful.  Joshua 1:8 

 I toyed with not inserting the sentence about being “prosperous and successful”.  I’ve always revolted at the idea of making these my goal; to be prosperous and successful.  I don’t give a flying fig if I am prosperous and successful in the world’s eyes.  But God says that IF I keep his Word THEN I will become prosperous and successful so it must be God’s desire for us to be prosperous and successful…..but in what?  I’m thinking this is exactly what the Lord is teaching me and what He will continue to reveal as I walk down this journey of faith.  As I walk down this road I see Him offering me gifts of understanding.  It will be my choice to open His gifts.

Is it really repulsive?

This week I was looking through some pictures and found this picture of Luke and Ryan.  Luke was about three and Ryan was celebrating his 8th birthday.  I look at Ryan's precious face and wonder that God knew even back then that Ryan would only be on this earth for 12 more years.  He knew the plans He had for him and how His life would impact others and the plans He had for our response.

I know that there are those that find this line of thinking repulsive on a couple different levels.  First off, why would a person want to reliquish that kind of control in their life.  Why would I want to say that someone else was in control of my life?  I am in control of my own destiny, right?  Well if that is true, then when Ryan died, I must have lost control.  And, if I truly had that kind of control then I could have done something to avoid his death. But I didn't have that kind of control.  The only control I have is over my response to life.

The second reason some might find my line of thinking repulsive is wondering why I would want to trust a God that had my son's death in mind from the beginning of time.  If I put all my hope in Ryan's life and Ryan's success then I would probably be pretty mad at God right now for His plan.  But, thank you Jesus, there is a bigger picture in life and my choices have brought me to a place of seeing that picture.  I read a passage of scripture this morning that hit me right in my soul.  I read it with tears running down my cheeks: 

1 Peter 1:6-8

⁶ So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. ⁷ These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.

⁸ You love him even though you have never seen him. Though you do not see him now, you trust him; and you rejoice with a glorious, inexpressible joy. ⁹ The reward for trusting him will be the salvation of your souls.

My faith has become truly genuine and deep, it is not mere words. It is more precious to me than gold, or silver or any earthly thing.  It has become the source of my eternal HOPE and this hope is not just for me!

¹⁷ Since you call on a Father who judges each person’s work impartially, live out your time as foreigners here in reverent fear. ¹⁸ For you know that it was not with perishable things such as silver or gold that you were redeemed from the empty way of life handed down to you from your ancestors, ¹⁹ but with the precious blood of Christ, a lamb without blemish or defect.

I am so grateful that my ancestors (my family) did not hand down to me the empty way of life.  I am so grateful we did not hand that down to our own children.  Because of this I am able to live out my time on earth as a foreigner with reverent fear and confidence in my HOPE of salvation!

This is what I choose!  The alternative is what is repulsive to me.  The alternative is an eternal sadness that cannot be healed, an eternal thirst that cannot be quenched.

There is no other response for me, but choosing Jesus.

How can I explain it?

How can I explain it?  It has only been 20 weeks on this grief journey and yet what I have experienced this week has had stirrings of my life before; before I experienced the greatest pain of my life.  How can that be?  Shouldn't I be walking or laying or curled up with a heavy, debilitating sorrow?  People would certainly understand and show me grace if I was.  Honestly, I'm amazed every day that I am not.  My pain and sorrow has certainly been great enough for that outcome and I definitely miss my son and long to have him next to me.  But I have received a different outcome.

This week I recognized my old life when I found myself working out at the YMCA with my family after dinner, when I sat at the computer and played Bejeweled as if there wasn't a care in the world, when I invited a guest over and actually prepared the meal and didn't have it brought to me.  These are all glimpses of my old life and they have come with a welcome relief.  But again, I ask myself, "Why me?"  Why am I experiencing a healing of my soul and peace amongst the storm of grief and joy in the sorrow so quickly?  Some might think it is because I'm not working through the grief or moving on too fast, or talking myself into something that isn't real, OR perhaps I'm putting on a show. 

A growing symphony

I’ve never been down this grief road before so I don’t know where I should or shouldn’t be on the road.  I only know where I am right now and what it feels like in this moment.  In this moment, I feel restoration on the horizon.   Does that mean I’m done crying?  No.  Does that mean I’m done missing Ryan? No.  Does that mean I’m done longing for more time with Ryan?  No.  Does that mean I won’t have those moments of uncontrollable sorrow?  No.  What it means is that I’m beginning to be able to allow the pain to be a part of who I am without allowing it to thwart what I can become through Jesus.   Sorrow and Joy are learning to play along side each other creating an entirely new symphony within me.

            God is a God of restoration.  There is no point along this journey at which He will not restore us.  I have believed that and claimed that from day one of my journey.  His Word has been a healing balm to my wounds and His love has sutured my broken heart.  There is no other explanation for the current outcome of my sorrow.  The only part I play in my healing is choosing to allow Him to be the healer.  This will be a daily choice the rest of my life.

O LORD my God, 

I called to you for help and you healed me.  

Psalm 30:2  

CLICK HERE for a video glimpse of our journey so far.......

It was just a simple question..........

It was just a simple question, “Did his wipers not work?”  My husband was cleaning out the garage and found a new wiper pump and wondered if Ryan had purchased it.  As I pondered the question the reality hit me with a vengeance; I could not call, text or Skype Ryan to get the answer to this question.  My heart broke and I had that sense of urgency one feels when you have the flu and must get to the porcelain throne as soon as possible.  I had to escape to the patio and expel the tears that were rushing out.  I had no control over the moment other than to flee.  These moments simply come out of nowhere.  I’m feeling strong, my heart is happy and then BAMB, the grief takes over and I just have to let it run its course.   

I have begun to liken my grief to a terminal disease that I have little control over, it came out of nowhere, and will only end upon my death.  That is such a dark statement and yet it is reality for so many.  So how do I take that sentence steeped in darkness and bring it to light?  I do that by running to God’s Word and claiming and believing what He promises.  This is a practice that I choose. What is my alternative?  Darkness is the alternative and I want no part of that.

One of our precious young friends went to college this week and left us with a passage of scripture he thought would encourage us; Isaiah 43.  I read it this morning and now I am CLAIMING it this afternoon. The entire chapter is powerful but I have plucked out a few passages that I am clinging to.

“Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you.
 I have called you by name; you are mine.

2 

When you go through deep waters, I will be with you.
When you go through rivers of difficulty,
you will not drown.
When you walk through the fire of oppression,
you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.

3 

For I am the Lord, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.

16 

I am the Lord, who opened a way through the waters,
making a dry path through the sea.

17 

I called forth the mighty army of Egypt
with all its chariots and horses.
I drew them beneath the waves, and they drowned, their lives snuffed out like a smoldering candlewick.

18 

“But forget all that— it is nothing compared to what I am going to do.

19 

For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?
I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.

20 

The wild animals in the fields will thank me, the jackals and owls, too,
for giving them water in the desert.
Yes, I will make rivers in the dry wasteland
so my chosen people can be refreshed.

21 

This people I have made for myself; they shall declare my praise

I am choosing to declare my praise in this moment.  This is a moment by moment journey but in this moment  I choose to dance in the rain.  

Now I can move on.

Going to the high rock mountain

The days move on and so does life. The world continues to spin on its’ axis and its’ people scurry around with the importance of their day.  I am going on week 19 of my grief journey and while my head seems fairly cleared of the cobwebs that come in the initial stages of sorrow and trauma, my emotions linger in a state of unpredictability; constantly pulling me back and slowing my pace.

The scenes before me move my emotions from one state to another.  Moving out of the shock stage and into a state of “normal” forces us to see what that new normal is.  Even though life with Ryan was never normal, we must now consider how we walk through life without Ryan as a physical option.   It appears this stage of grief might lend itself to more spontaneous tears as a simple action or experience can stir up a thought of Ryan that grips my heart and cause tears to begin to push themselves to the surface. Luke says another true sign is my nose begins to turn red.  This all happens in a fraction of an uncontrollable second and in that fraction, pain comes to the surface.  When I feel the left side of my chest (aka my heart) start to grip slowly sending sour emotional notes up my brain, I know I am going into areas that matter. 

Time to process these things that matter must be an essential component of my life right now.  I marvel at God’s wisdom of crowding our days for the first four months, knowing we needed many touches from others, and now with school starting everywhere and vacations ending, the hubbub of our lives is really settling down offering more opportunities for peace and processing.  It is time to sort out those thoughts that have been rambling in my mind and allow God to truly begin to heal the wound in my heart; something I believe only He can do and WILL do.

God, listen to me shout, bend an ear to my prayer.

When I'm far from anywhere,

down to my last gasp,

I call out, "Guide me

up High Rock Mountain!"

You've always given me breathing room,

a place to get away from it all,

A lifetime pass to your safe-house,

an open invitation as your guest.

You've always taken me seriously, God,

made me welcome among those who know and love you.

Psalm 61

I look expectantly toward these days as the Lord takes me up the High Rock Mountain and shows me what He has for me and how He wants to use this sorrow in my life to create a better me.  I don’t go with fear, amazingly, I go with peace.

What do I see ?....................

The phrase, "Gail, what do you see?" has been floating in my head for weeks now.  I titled this blog about 6 weeks ago and it has been sitting in my future blogs folder with no content.  But God has been continually putting the phrase in front of me through scripture, sermons, conversations and many of my personal thoughts.  So today I am going to sit and think about "What do I see?"

In Jeremiah 1:11 God is asking Jeremiah, "What do you see?"  C. H. Spurgeon states that, “Before you can make an impression upon another person’s heart, you must have an impression made upon your own soul. You must be able to say, concerning the Truth of God, “I see it,” before you can speak it so that your hearers shall also see it. Jeremiah 1:11,12

I have seen so much in the last four months since Ryan went to live with Jesus. I have been given new lenses to see life with an entirely different perspective.  My perspective has been washed with a mixture of pain and beauty. If I ask myself right now, “What is the biggest impression God has made on my heart through this journey?” I would have to say that I see my life as a tapestry that began at my birth and will end with Eternity.  The end of my journey wasn’t being married or having kids or owning a home or finding a great job, and it wasn’t even when something tragic happened in my life…..the end will be Eternity.  My focus must be Eternity.

Ryan was a strong and bold strand that ran through my tapestry for 20 years.  He created some pretty incredible patterns and at times I wanted to tie him off to keep his strand from going off in the wrong direction.  But God knew.  He knew where Ryan's strand needed to weave and what kind of pattern he was to make.  As I was thinking through this whole idea of my life being a tapestry my original thoughts were that Ryan’s strand has ended in my tapestry.  But that is not true at all.  It is still very present as his life and death is still having a ripple effect.  I imagine that will fade throughout the years, but there are many strands coming off of his strand from the lives he impacted in life and death. These strands will always be connected to Ryan's strand but will begin to form their own patterns with perhaps the whisper of Ryan’s strand weaved beside them.  I find this line of thinking so freeing and comforting; a tapestry full of experiences and people that never truly end because the weaved whisper of experiences and people will always be a part of who we are and make up this very moment. 

I wonder how many moments I have impacted by being in other people’s tapestries.  It is important to me that “I see” so that as my soul is impacted, I can make an impression upon other people’s hearts and become a valuable, not damaging, strand in their masterpiece.  Doing this will also bring other strands into my own tapestry making it strong and beautiful, vibrant with color.

My tapestry, as of now, consists of some pretty beautiful patterns that were created from both pain and joy.  I receive each strand, pattern and color as a part of God’s master plan for my life; the plan that leads me to Eternity as I recognize God as the master weaver in my life.

I was told that Ryan’s last words were, “I am at peace.”  That might be hard to read, but it warms my heart.   Ryan’s tapestry was filled with strong and weak strands created from many moments of sorrow and joy.  But in the end, because he chose Jesus as his weaver, he entered into Eternity with a peace and a smile.  Oh that we would all see God as or weaver and truly trust Him with our tapestry, even when it is hard.

Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in Him.  Psalm 34:8